I hope that intro doesn’t leave you feeling under-whelmed once you’re done reading. I don’t think it will:
In case you didn’t know it already, March 17th is, in fact, today, and it is, in fact, Saint Patrick’s Day (this was actually posted on Saint Patty's Eve, but let's just pretend like it wasn't) In honor o’ this green stitch in time, I’ve decided to give you a top ten list o’ the things I’d like for you to try and get done sometime between now and midnight on this (or tomorrow), the day o’ the Irish.
10. watch “The Boondock Saints.” my brother brought that movie home one day and watched it while I was supposed to be writing a paper. that paper never got written. Really, you could watch it anytime because those guys are sorta like 7-Eleven: they’re not always doing business, but they’re always open.
9. pinch the hell out o’ people who don’t wear green.
8. SLAP the hell out o’ people who don’t wear green and tell you that you can’t pinch them because their eyes are green. THAT DOESN’T COUNT.
7. eat three bowls o’ Lucky Charms. Actually, it would be a-okay to do that everyday. But, since this is a special holiday, I give you permission to only eat the marshmallows. And really, we both know that’s the only reason why you’d eat that cereal anyway.
6. I don’t care if it’s morning, noon, or night. Greet everyone, in your best Irish accent, with the popular phrase, “top o’ the mornin’ to ya.”
5. this is a holiday, and therefore, it’s no time for political-correctness. if you should see a little person, point while shouting out “LEPRECHAUN!,” and then ask to see their pot o’ gold. And don’t be surprised if they get a little ticked-off. Pots o’ gold aren’t worth that much after taxes.
4. feel free to not wear any green clothing. instead, go out and buy a green sharpie and/or nail polish and color the nail o’ you middle finger. then, when someone comes up to pinch you, well, you’ll know what to do. Confused? FLIP ‘EM A BIRD! And tell them that it’s compliments o’ the Irish.
3. DO NOT use the word “of.” [you’ll notice that it’s been omitted from this post. well, hopefully] Instead, replace all occurrences in both your conversations and your notes in class, or notes on life with: o’. like, “The Allegory O’ the Divided Line,” or “The Theory O’ Relativity.” also, know that any last name can become instantly-Irish with this same idea. Let me give you a for-instance: katie beth o’byerley or Oprah O’winfrey. Hm, that one may be a little hard to believe.
2. enjoy an Irish coffee. later on, figure out why it’s an Irish coffee.
1. go out and buy any album by “Celtic Woman.” and then, listen the hell out o’ it. Cause let me tell you something: when that stuff gets played on PBS, I literally drop EVERYTHING to listen-in. Strangely, I’ve never understood the singular name for a group with many members. I guess that’s just the way-o’-the-Irish. And, therefore, it’s something that I’m not going to question.
Alright, go ahead and print this epically life-changing list off and tack it to your wall and be sure to get these things done: they’re o’ great importance. And I hope that you liked this list as much as I did. In fact, I’d say it’s some o’ my best work. Oh, there’s one more: stand up right now and do a river dance.
[this is where I have inserted some time for you to click that video that I posted somewhere over on that line-up o‘ videos. With the wonder that is Youtube, I found this cool guy named Conor Macarthy and he's flat-out, full-on gettin' Irish on that bass. The song is called "Maid at the Well," and man, it makes for some great river dancin’ and it’s super-slick. PLUS this song is the perfect length o' time that we need for you to do that dance. PLUS-EVEN-MORE, I think it really sets the mood for this holiday. What the hell more could you possibly want? So, click it now and get your Irish on]
…are you done? man, that was awesome. you should really consider taking that talent all the way to the Festival O’ Nations, up there at Dollywood.
Really, guys, in all seriousness: Irish people are completely boss. The other day, I once again found myself tuning into that legend o’ a channel the Food Network. It’s pretty much my favorite place to hang out. Anyhow, it was a special show called “Tasting Ireland,” and Bobby Flay was the host. Did you miss it? Well, don’t worry: the blog is here for you when you don’t get to witness revolutionary television. And let me tell you something: I would do a lot o’ things to see that totally awesome grass in person. It is so green. I mean really. It’s pretty incredible.
[SIDENOTE: the other day, there was a really cool seminar at the Kingsport Public Library and it was all about composting. Anyhow, this relates to this post because Ireland has really green grass (which I just referenced) and I learned why Kentucky’s grass is so green. It’s because that state is sitting on a big stretch of magnesium. Which, apparently, makes for green grass. I wonder if that’s the case in Ireland. Anyhow, I guess you could say that Kentucky is the Ireland o’ America. Yes, I think it would be safe to say that. And, probably, in more-ways-than-one]
Also, I learned so many new things about Ireland, thanks to the wonder that is Bobby Flay. I won’t tell you all that I learned here, because we would be talking for a while, and you have to go out and get to work on that list up there, but if you want to know all that I have to tell, we should meet up later, because you’re really good people and I really like your style.
Anyway, I did learn the six steps to properly serving a pint o’ Guinness. That’s a talent that you should always keep in your back pocket, for just-in-cases. Again, I’m not going to recite them here, but just know that I will teach you anytime you want to learn. Also, did you know that there are like, ten thousand pubs in Ireland? That’s so noble, considering that the country is practically the same size as West Virginia. I think it’s safe to say that Ireland would be more fun than West Virginia because Irish people really know how to have a good time. I don’t know about West Virginia people, but again, I’d say Ireland beats West Virginia any day.
And, speaking of those pubs: Bobby Flay told how the pubs in Ireland were pretty much a writer’s direct line to getting published. So, basically, just when you thought that W.B. Yeats couldn’t get any cooler, you find out that he was totally chill and spent lots o’ time hanging with, undoubtedly, equally cool people just havin’ a pint. And here’s what else: you can sign up to take a tour called the Pub Crawl where your fearless Irish guide tells you all about the poets, journalists, etc. that spent their time at that particular pub, back-in-the-day. Wouldn’t that be awesome? I think so, too. Let’s pack our bags, set out for Ireland, and embark on what promises to be the best tour o’ our lives.
And I also now know at least five new ways o’ fixing potatoes. Wow. I mean, it truly is groundbreaking the way you can learn so much in just an hour o' television. Also, to the good people over at Food Network: how does one become a “Food Historian,” and where can I sign up?
Alright, my friends. It’s been hard scanning back over this just to make sure that I only used “o’” when referencing that forbidden word. Anyhow, go out and get-to-it on that list and spread your new knowledge about Ireland. Because, even if you’re not cool like me and have some sort o’ ancestry that you can trace back to Ireland, it’s okay. Because you have the blog, and here at the blog, we’re committed to making everyone feel included in all holidays. So, check those things off that list and you, too will be borderline-Irish. Congratulations.
And remember: if you really should see a leprechaun, try not to stare or point-and-laugh. Because, really, I imagine it’s pretty hard to hold your whiskey when you’re built like a four-year old and, as a direct result, they might get a little temperamental. Wait, do leprechauns drink? Well, they sure would have a good reason to. Also, my Mumford & Sons CD finally arrived and I'm super into it, so I posted a new video, just for your enjoyment and I think it really follows suit with the theme o' this post. (shout-out to J. Hurd for recommending the song).
Alright, guys. It's been real, but this post is now over, but don't shed a tear. I'll be back soon, I promise. Happy Saint Patrick's Day. And I hope this post did, in fact, change your life. Now go get your Irish on.
Yours this day and forever more,
katie beth
