saint patty told me so.

hey there, friends. let me tell you something: I have been waiting for what’s felt like an eternity to bring this post to you. When the blog was just getting up and going, I sat down at my laptop and, as the cursor flashed, all I wanted to do was write about Saint Patty’s Day. I didn’t realize how far away it was. Really, it’s only been about a month since I wrote this, but gees, it’s felt like forever. And it’s finally here and you’re finally getting to read it. So, here goes. Settle in and get excited.

I hope that intro doesn’t leave you feeling under-whelmed once you’re done reading. I don’t think it will:

In case you didn’t know it already, March 17th is, in fact, today, and it is, in fact, Saint Patrick’s Day (this was actually posted on Saint Patty's Eve, but let's just pretend like it wasn't) In honor o’ this green stitch in time, I’ve decided to give you a top ten list o’ the things I’d like for you to try and get done sometime between now and midnight on this (or tomorrow), the day o’ the Irish.

10. watch “The Boondock Saints.” my brother brought that movie home one day and watched it while I was supposed to be writing a paper. that paper never got written. Really, you could watch it anytime because those guys are sorta like 7-Eleven: they’re not always doing business, but they’re always open.

9. pinch the hell out o’ people who don’t wear green.

8. SLAP the hell out o’ people who don’t wear green and tell you that you can’t pinch them because their eyes are green. THAT DOESN’T COUNT.

7. eat three bowls o’ Lucky Charms. Actually, it would be a-okay to do that everyday. But, since this is a special holiday, I give you permission to only eat the marshmallows. And really, we both know that’s the only reason why you’d eat that cereal anyway.

6. I don’t care if it’s morning, noon, or night. Greet everyone, in your best Irish accent, with the popular phrase, “top o’ the mornin’ to ya.”

5. this is a holiday, and therefore, it’s no time for political-correctness. if you should see a little person, point while shouting out “LEPRECHAUN!,” and then ask to see their pot o’ gold. And don’t be surprised if they get a little ticked-off. Pots o’ gold aren’t worth that much after taxes.

4. feel free to not wear any green clothing. instead, go out and buy a green sharpie and/or nail polish and color the nail o’ you middle finger. then, when someone comes up to pinch you, well, you’ll know what to do. Confused? FLIP ‘EM A BIRD! And tell them that it’s compliments o’ the Irish.

3. DO NOT use the word “of.” [you’ll notice that it’s been omitted from this post. well, hopefully] Instead, replace all occurrences in both your conversations and your notes in class, or notes on life with: o’. like, “The Allegory O’ the Divided Line,” or “The Theory O’ Relativity.” also, know that any last name can become instantly-Irish with this same idea. Let me give you a for-instance: katie beth o’byerley or Oprah O’winfrey. Hm, that one may be a little hard to believe.

2. enjoy an Irish coffee. later on, figure out why it’s an Irish coffee.

1. go out and buy any album by “Celtic Woman.” and then, listen the hell out o’ it. Cause let me tell you something: when that stuff gets played on PBS, I literally drop EVERYTHING to listen-in. Strangely, I’ve never understood the singular name for a group with many members. I guess that’s just the way-o’-the-Irish. And, therefore, it’s something that I’m not going to question.

Alright, go ahead and print this epically life-changing list off and tack it to your wall and be sure to get these things done: they’re o’ great importance. And I hope that you liked this list as much as I did. In fact, I’d say it’s some o’ my best work. Oh, there’s one more: stand up right now and do a river dance.

[this is where I have inserted some time for you to click that video that I posted somewhere over on that line-up o‘ videos. With the wonder that is Youtube, I found this cool guy named Conor Macarthy and he's flat-out, full-on gettin' Irish on that bass. The song is called "Maid at the Well," and man, it makes for some great river dancin’ and it’s super-slick. PLUS this song is the perfect length o' time that we need for you to do that dance. PLUS-EVEN-MORE, I think it really sets the mood for this holiday. What the hell more could you possibly want? So, click it now and get your Irish on]

…are you done? man, that was awesome. you should really consider taking that talent all the way to the Festival O’ Nations, up there at Dollywood.

Really, guys, in all seriousness: Irish people are completely boss. The other day, I once again found myself tuning into that legend o’ a channel the Food Network. It’s pretty much my favorite place to hang out. Anyhow, it was a special show called “Tasting Ireland,” and Bobby Flay was the host. Did you miss it? Well, don’t worry: the blog is here for you when you don’t get to witness revolutionary television. And let me tell you something: I would do a lot o’ things to see that totally awesome grass in person. It is so green. I mean really. It’s pretty incredible.

[SIDENOTE: the other day, there was a really cool seminar at the Kingsport Public Library and it was all about composting. Anyhow, this relates to this post because Ireland has really green grass (which I just referenced) and I learned why Kentucky’s grass is so green. It’s because that state is sitting on a big stretch of magnesium. Which, apparently, makes for green grass. I wonder if that’s the case in Ireland. Anyhow, I guess you could say that Kentucky is the Ireland o’ America. Yes, I think it would be safe to say that. And, probably, in more-ways-than-one]

Also, I learned so many new things about Ireland, thanks to the wonder that is Bobby Flay. I won’t tell you all that I learned here, because we would be talking for a while, and you have to go out and get to work on that list up there, but if you want to know all that I have to tell, we should meet up later, because you’re really good people and I really like your style.

Anyway, I did learn the six steps to properly serving a pint o’ Guinness. That’s a talent that you should always keep in your back pocket, for just-in-cases. Again, I’m not going to recite them here, but just know that I will teach you anytime you want to learn. Also, did you know that there are like, ten thousand pubs in Ireland? That’s so noble, considering that the country is practically the same size as West Virginia. I think it’s safe to say that Ireland would be more fun than West Virginia because Irish people really know how to have a good time. I don’t know about West Virginia people, but again, I’d say Ireland beats West Virginia any day.

And, speaking of those pubs: Bobby Flay told how the pubs in Ireland were pretty much a writer’s direct line to getting published. So, basically, just when you thought that W.B. Yeats couldn’t get any cooler, you find out that he was totally chill and spent lots o’ time hanging with, undoubtedly, equally cool people just havin’ a pint. And here’s what else: you can sign up to take a tour called the Pub Crawl where your fearless Irish guide tells you all about the poets, journalists, etc. that spent their time at that particular pub, back-in-the-day. Wouldn’t that be awesome? I think so, too. Let’s pack our bags, set out for Ireland, and embark on what promises to be the best tour o’ our lives.

And I also now know at least five new ways o’ fixing potatoes. Wow. I mean, it truly is groundbreaking the way you can learn so much in just an hour o' television. Also, to the good people over at Food Network: how does one become a “Food Historian,” and where can I sign up?

Alright, my friends. It’s been hard scanning back over this just to make sure that I only used “o’” when referencing that forbidden word. Anyhow, go out and get-to-it on that list and spread your new knowledge about Ireland. Because, even if you’re not cool like me and have some sort o’ ancestry that you can trace back to Ireland, it’s okay. Because you have the blog, and here at the blog, we’re committed to making everyone feel included in all holidays. So, check those things off that list and you, too will be borderline-Irish. Congratulations.

And remember: if you really should see a leprechaun, try not to stare or point-and-laugh. Because, really, I imagine it’s pretty hard to hold your whiskey when you’re built like a four-year old and, as a direct result, they might get a little temperamental. Wait, do leprechauns drink? Well, they sure would have a good reason to. Also, my Mumford & Sons CD finally arrived and I'm super into it, so I posted a new video, just for your enjoyment and I think it really follows suit with the theme o' this post. (shout-out to J. Hurd for recommending the song).

Alright, guys. It's been real, but this post is now over, but don't shed a tear. I'll be back soon, I promise. Happy Saint Patrick's Day. And I hope this post did, in fact, change your life. Now go get your Irish on.

Yours this day and forever more,
katie beth

biding time.

Readers: how the hell are you? I hope your answer to that question is something of a positive. I really hope you're not having a bad day, but if you are, I sure do hope that the blog will brighten it, if only for a moment. Also, know that I am writing this post merely as a way to distract myself from what’s certain to follow. Coming up, you better get beyond pumped because I have the most incredible post saved on this here laptop about Saint Patty’s Day. It really is going to change your life. And it will be a change for the greener, the Irish, and the better. I feel safe in saying that you’re going to love it.

But I can’t put it on here yet. I really thought about doing it because The Office was already celebrating over on NBC last night. Did you see it? Andy had on a kilt. It was great. Scottish, but great. but I just can’t post it yet. It’s best if I can hold out until March 17th. Gees, that feels like it’s going to be light-years away, but I hope we can both hold on. I mean really. It’s that good.

So, what can we talk about to keep our minds off of what promises to be the most amazing post yet?

*know that I sat here for a while and couldn’t come up with anything good*

Here’s what we’re gonna do: I’m going to give a quick update on the past posts. I can see how you may want to immediately leave the blog. I mean, that doesn’t sound like it’s going to be super-interesting, but I don’t have that option. I have to keep on typing because it’s necessary and because I can’t stop thinking about that post that’s going to be all about the Irish.

So, let’s start back at the beginning. Have you read all of the posts, thus far? I hope you’re nodding your head in a “yes” motion. That first post about Valentine’s Day “Valentine: Revisited” was, really, a stupid title. You can’t revisit something that you’ve never visited. So, that was a negative. Sorry about that.

Anyhow, Valentine’s Day 2010 ended up being really awesome. My dad had to go to Atlanta (that wasn’t awesome) and it was the first time that he hadn’t spent that holiday with my mom in something ridiculous, like, since he was sixteen. So, I decided that the rest of the family was going out and my dad thought that was a good idea.

I called up my grandparents, whom I call “the kids,” and we all, in fact, went out. Even my brother, who wouldn’t have had any trouble getting a girl to go out with him on that holiday. He usually has a legion of admirers, but if you’re one of those girls and you come after my brother with googly-eyes. Well, remember that post with the Power Rangers picture on it? I really will do what I said because he is one of my people, just like you (the person currently reading)

Anyway, it takes a lot for me to approve one of those lasses (sorry, I‘m still in Irish-mode), cause we’re tight. And if I’m going to give up my time hangin’ with my broski to some girl, she had better prove to be nothing short of what my expectations are.

Also, if you’re a guy, I’ll share with you the advice that I often give my brother: never trust a girl who has a tan year-round. (upon reading that back, it sounds slightly racist. That’s not how I meant it. I’m just talking tanning beds, here. Those make for sketchy people)

At any rate, we went out and it was fun. Except for this one guy who was sitting at a table and he had a date. Anyhow, she left before that sweet tea ever even hit the table. Yeah. She totally ditched him. It was so uncalled for. If you’re that girl, and you’re reading this, I have one message for you: well, I can’t put it in here, because it isn’t nice. I don’t want you to think that I’m a mean person.

Moving on. Okay, let’s make this short-and-sweet. The following is a follow-up on past posts. Of course, they’re in order:

*Yes, times is still hard. Although, I think the blog really must be catching on because I’ve noticed a slight 23% increase in the niceness of the common stranger.

*It’s not cold anymore, but I still want to meet up and build that campfire. I know where we can get some gravel. Also, my Les Miserables sweatshirt has been found. Tony the klepto-ghost is still on-the-loose. Send help and bring marshmallows.

*I still don’t like Taylor Swift at all. However, that picture of Kermit just keeps getting better and better. And I’m waiting for one of you to cover that song with my new lyrics. I have a feeling we’ll be famous together.

*I’m not going to Bonnaroo, but man, that line-up is still super-impressive. I’m thinking about putting up the tent or popping up the camper in the backyard and bumpin’ some of the tunes that those attending the actual festival will get to hear. Let me know if you want to make a reservation. It will be completely free if you bring an instrument and/or sleeping bag. And rightfully so.

*My i-pod shuffle was never found. My dad was nice enough to lend me his. It basically has the same stuff on it. I thought the other day about buying a Nano. I decided that I don’t need it. Instead, I bought a TMNT t-shirt. I think that was the smarter purchase.

*I don’t have the strength to talk about those poems.

*That “Johnson City Honda, Johnson City” commercial is still annoying and “that’s what she said” has never sounded better.

*I read the first ten pages of “Common Sense” by Glenn Beck. Then, I threw up. No, really, it wasn’t that bad, but I got a little freaked out. My dad wants to read it. He also records Glenn Beck’s show everyday at five. On Fox News. Again, send help, but this time, bring sanity.

*Again: those poems were a product of a moment of a bizarre place. But I kind of liked being there. I hope you did, too. I’m not going to disclose any more information on those things.

*WHOA. I have thought of so many songs that should have been on that Top 50 List, but I knew that was going to happen. Also, John Clayton Mayer and I are still pretty tight. Even if he does act like a jerk on the news-circuit because I’m a loyal fan. Really. I’m super-loyal.

*Avatar still blows my mind. I still haven’t gotten over it. At all. I love talking about it. I hope you do, too. Also, Hurt Locker WAS NOT better. I know at least one person who thinks that it was, but he was just talkin’ crazy. I mean, he couldn’t have really meant it. Actually, I think he did, but I’m not going to hold it against him. And if you agree with that crazy logic, well I won’t hold it against it you either. But just know that I’m going to have my own awards show and Avatar is literally going to win EVERYTHING. Because that’s how it should be.

*Really, I will be there the second you need me. Cause we’re tight like that.

*Nelson is still doing well. I really did buy a TMNT t-shirt. Nelson’s never been more proud of me. Also, no update on J. Murray's car, Barack Obama, but Nelson and I sent him a fruit-basket, for just-in-cases.

Well, that catches you up on things. Hope all is well. Let’s make plans to meet back here on March 17th for that awesome post that is currently ready and waitin'. I've said it before, and I'll say it all night: you’re going to love it. Feel free to wear green between now and then. I know I will.

Seriously, as an update on things in my life that are really-really important, at least in the traditional sense, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but man, that day is quickly approaching. And know that I am somewhere having a panic attack. Also, as far as Kingsport, TN goes, what in the hell are they doing to those roads? I mean really. It's kind of a cry for help out there. "Grooved Pavement?" hell's bells, more like: "Good Luck Making It Out Alive."

Yours,
katie beth











...let's touch gloves again. you know, for old time's sake.